An Open Letter to A Guy

Ir’s been three years now since you left for the other girl who is your ex-girlfriend. I never thought you could do that to me, and I’ve felt much pain when you never opened it up to me when you had the chance. I just found out that you’re with her officially through Facebook. I had to chat you and asked you what went wrong, when I could not remember anything bad that I have done. I know that you’re gone and so am I.

When you never appreciate my effort for traveling couple of hours from the province to the city just to see you, you lose me. I’m already gone.

The moment you let me do your engineering drawing because you’re tired, and later on did not hear any “thank you”, I’m gone again and you lose me.

Did you remember how I could spend so much time with you? But I only saw eyes full of doubt and discontentment. You lose me.

I’ve given you everything until one night you gave me a kiss to say goodbye. I never thought it would be the last time I’d see you.

I sent you text in the morning after that night, but you never responded the whole day. I did not hear from you anymore after I waited for like three days. I did not know what happened.

I was not thinking that you’re pissed off of me, because we were so okay when you kissed me goodbye. I could not think of reasons why you would not at least reply to my messages. I did nothing wrong and you left me hanging thinking I’m a woman not to be respected. I looked like a fool.

But God never allowed me to suffer too much.

You gave me questions you’re the only one who could answer, so I took the courage to chat you. But you never replied. All I did was sent you too much rants on Facebook  then I stopped bothering you.

I engaged myself into school activities. I did not let myself be consumed by the bitterness and sadness, then I met new people. Lots of people that are enough to forget about you.

Months passed by, I saw your name on top of my chat box. You asked me forgiveness, but I never took it seriously. You wanted me to talk and you asked for a second chance using the word “please”. I know you’re begging for me to come back. But it’s too late. I could not just go back into your life when you broke me, when you still had me. I could not just go back to what crumpled me. I could not just exchange the better life to the one’s toxic and to what’s already gone. I felt too emotionless to say something. Honestly, I never felt anything when you begged me to see you because I could not stand seeing your face anymore.

Did you see the cycle of life? What you give will comes back to you twice.

You gave me heartache, now you  have to suffer double of the pain I felt when you left me hanging. You need a lesson though!

A year later, one of my friends told me there is a gift for me and it’s from you. It was bag of memory that you want to give it back to  me.

I remembered I gave you a shirt, then you said in your letter card that you can’t wear the shirt anymore because every time you wear it, you’d remember me. You want to move on. You wrote in your letter that you dated several girls but all you’ve received was rejections. You said on you letter that you still think about me even you date with somebody else.

I am a soft person and I know karma got you. This time, there is no turning back.

I did not ask that you should feel much sadness but I guess what life has to teach you is to let you learn lessons from what you did, and I’m happy so you’ll know how to appreciate and be good to women next time around.

 

 

Photo credit: Tumblr.com/bled

 

 

For Those Who Try

This is for you. Yes! you, who is already fed up and done with the pace of life but still keeps to trying over and over again. You wake up in the morning feeling the same thing you wanted to get rid off last night, but it’s always there. The thought of sending yourself to sleep to at least heal the unwanted, inconvenient little wound that scars you might help you forget the things that bother you lately, and so you did. But, it keeps coming back. The feelings.. the sadness that scares you at night, the happiness that draws the curve in your lips, the anxiety you get anytime and anywhere and you would not even know what to do, and the depressing thought that scorch your good state of mind away. They are back again, but because you are you, then you do not stop there. You hope and try again, send yourself to sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.

In the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why,  Hannah Baker said, “What if the only way not to feel bad, is to stop feeling anything at all, forever?” It’s kind of usual line we say to ourselves when everything had gone to be too weak and helpless, but life does not stop there. You move forward and gets even excited what could be there is the next days, until there would be one moment you would wonder how far you’ve been through and you would thank yourself that you did not give up. When you look back, you will always remember how you swam in the ocean when you were almost drowning.

Always recall that no matter how frustrating or hard it gets to be, never stop trying. Continue to hold on to hope. Exhaust all the feelings you’ve been trying to keep in yourself, let them be and feel them because they demand to be felt. Once you know how to deal with them, it would be easier to carry them no matter how heavy. And, it does not even matter what are they all about or how these monsters left you empty, what matter is that you do not stop. You do not stop trying.

 

 

A no- nonsense schemes to cut off link from the dead relationship

Now, you gotta save yourself before it’s too late 

Two years and months have gone.. it’s been ages ago since I met him, but I could still recall clearly how every details of everything went on. Relationship has its ups and downs, and it is a choice to both parties whether you work on it or just let things fall.

The beginning gave me too much butterflies in my stomach that made me wanna shout for joy that finally someone loves my imperfections and someone who understands me, who’s always there for me, who kept me from danger, and protect me when I’m too weak to face my fears.

I was blown away and yeah impressed by the effort and positive responses he exerted way back then, and I started to ask God, “Lord, why me? I hope this won’t mess up and what if like this and like that will happen..?”. I was full of questions and I starved myself with answers, answers that I am waiting to come till now.

I enjoyed the moment and I cherished the opportunity to allow myself to feel that I am special too even though I don’t think that I am.

Days rolled to nights, the time has gone by.. Until sweetness turned to bitterness, we fought to survive from the madness we’ve become.

I am a woman who turn my anger to tears because I just think that I cannot handle the wound of being extremely angry.. it’s better to cry than to hold grudges inside.

Then suddenly,  everything became darker than ever and too heavy to lift the weight of the toxic feelings.

I deserted. We both chose to walk the different paths.

Like two months passed by, it’s still fresh. But heck we are not perfect, so we have to accept the reality and think maturely about it.

He once told me this:

If we are made for each other, we’re gonna find a way back. Not necessary to force things.

Then I realized what he said that yeah he’s right. He’s very good at those words because what can I say? It’s true though.

SCREW THE SHRINE

The reality is it is hard to let go, isn’t it? And the reason behind? It’s because we are still longing for that person that maybe someday you guys are going to create a new realm again making memories. It’s holding on to thing that is already dead, and that does not serve you anymore.

Throw them away. Not just the feelings, the material things too that make you reminisce the time he put on the necklace on you. Shirts, donate them. Cards, burn them. Pictures, delete them. Erase all the memories you maybe have kept inside the box.

It’s sad but you gotta do it. Have the courage to do it!

CLINCH MILE ONE

It’s normal to feel down, sad, or weary after the end of a relationship. That’s probably what everyone does. It’s fine to stay on bed the whole day and just don’t work things outdoors. It’s acceptable to whine, cry yourself to sleep, or stay until 3 in the morning if you cannot sleep thinking about what you guys could have done during the day if you’re still together. Just remember one thing, don’t settle yourself with them for long. Don’t let them be your habit that you forget you also have life to live.

STAY AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA 

Deactivating accounts, especially Facebook is better. I always do this whenever I feel to. It’s okay to stay away for a little while. Let them miss your posts or your presence in the chat list. Block him or unfriend him, because if you won’t then you will always come running stalking him if you miss him, and that move is not going to help you.

In case you are using password that relates to him, change it.

If social media is just your place you think you can vent on to, you’re wrong. Open your mind from the possibilities. Do not get blinded and carried away by your emotion. Go and find new friends that make you forget the pain. They’re the ones who will gonna somehow, help and save you, but the main person who will always be there is you, yourself.

LET GOD HEAR YOU

Pray. Just pray and believe that everything is going to be okay. Keep in mind that you are not gonna be permanently living with the unhealed wounds. The aftermath of break-up is temporary.

Your prayers do not need to be articulate. They are allowed to be short, imperfect, and spasmodic. God is able to recognize the mess. Always.

EXPOSE YOURSELF TO THE GYM

Make yourself better. Better than ever. One of the ways is to improve your physical well-being. Hit the gym! Exhaust your heartache. Punch the punching bag. Let your anger be your motivation to burn your fats (if you have). Work on, and stay sexy. Yes it exercises your mental health too.

ELIMINATE LIARS 

When the idea of not being good enough or negative thoughts fill in your soul in the middle of the night in the unexpected moment, eliminate them. Those are lies. Our mind is powerful that it has the power to eat away our happiness. Once your mind tells you something that you’re not supposed to be thinking or feeling about, don’t listen to them. Those are toxic wastes coming from the back of your head.

BE HONEST, ALWAYS 

Find friends anywhere. Talk to strangers. Don’t be afraid to open things up. Be honest to your friends about how you feel.

Don’t feel guilty for saying “NO”.

BURY YOUR FEELINGS 

Feelings, like our mind.. they’re strong that it influences you to chat or text him one more chance. There are things you should avoid of, and remember things have changed. They are no longer be brought to what were they before. Accept it anyway.

SUBMERGE YOURSELF TO THINGS WORTHY

By means worthy, things are those that matter in the end. Like your school,  it’s the thing you won’t regret, of course. Hmm helping people in need, it makes you to feel proud about yourself. It lift up the spirit of you that you can, too save anyone else.

Me, I chose to get a job and yeah I have spent my hours working there instead of immersing myself to cry at nights.

STAND INDEPENDENTLY

When you realize you can be something great without the presence of a man or when you don’t belong to a man, it’s the time that you are in the right tract of keeping yourself happy even if you are not in a relationship. Being independent is not saying you do not need anyone, but it means that you do not have to find a man who will make you feel special or loved. You are enough, and stronger than you think you are.

ENJOY THE PERKS OF BEING SINGLE

This is what I like. You can go with your friends anywhere without the consent with someone, without the rush or need to send an update about your life. Sometimes it’s hassle to fix the trouble if your partner is  too clingy. One wrong move is a hell of trouble. You can stay late whenever you want to. You will have the authority to yourself and no one else will point out what you should not wear or what to wear. You are an adult already and  you are not need to be told. Do your own thing. One thing I have freely enjoyed after the end of relationship is the freedom. I got to go free to the mountains, and be able to see the nature I have not seen before. Then, I breathe the fresh air after the toxic that the relationship gave me.

Free yourself, know yourself and fall in love with yourself.

Today, it justs come into my mind out of the blue that Valentine’s Day is coming, and I am not sad that I do not have anyone to date on that day. Well, there is nothing better and sweeter than dating my own self.

 

Darkest Hours 

Two months had passed, and it is still painful.

I could not move from my chair after knowing that I failed one of my subjects. I felt like I was half-paralyzed. Feeling so numb, I could barely move my legs, and my heart was beating fast. I wanted to keep myself calm, so I left school and went right away to my boarding house. I cried, opened my laptop and told someone what happened, but the disappointment never went away from me. Out of anger, I smashed my laptop and yelled whatever things I wanted to yell. My roommate was bothered, and told me it’s going to be okay. I put myself to sleep after crying.

I became hopeless in everything I do. I treated myself as a disappointment to my family and a failure, and I kept on asking why. “Why did it happen?” I sighed.

The failing mark was not the only thing that tore me apart. I knew exactly my parents won’t send me to school and yes, I was right. Judgements from my parents hurt me the most. They did not believe me anymore that I could be someone great one day. My mother did not speak to me ever since I went home during the semestral break.Also, a relationship with someone — who I thought is worthy of me, had gone. Someone still chose to leave me in the saddest days of my life. I became so much anxious, depressed, and pessimistic in everything.

I attempted suicide. I took 20 acetaminophen capsules but failed to kill myself. I was ready to die, thinking that it was much better to die than to live in vain.

Crying every night inside my room heals my heavy chest. Talking to my friends through the internet gradually puts my self-esteem back. Writing daily diary sends me to another realm where I only know.

Presently, anxiety still hits me so much to the extent of putting myself in a room where I am alone crying, blaming, and hating myself for the failure I become. I cannot see the light shining anymore; rather, I see darkness. Maybe, I am over-reacting but this is what I feel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weekend Adventure

You may wonder why most people are fond of traveling somewhere especially to secluded places where you have to go through mountains, tall woods, and even slippery roads just to see the real nature. Well, you know lemme share to you a place we have been into this weekend. It’s actually far from the smoky areas of the city. The only thing seemed smoking there was the fog the embraces the place. It was a beautiful trip even though it was raining but still worth the time, money, and energy.

It was kind of a road trip  travel with me and my friends from Dumaguete City to the mountain of Sibulan, Negros Oriental. We really had a nice experience along the way. We even had a quick stop just because of the slope roads we have to get through. It was raining and cold, however we took advantage of the scenery and the fact that it was fogging and it was about 1 in the afternoon.

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It took us about two hours on the road traveling, and enjoying the fog. We were on the top of the mountain already, and the fog was so captivating,  we felt like we were going to Baguio. (Haha!) Also, it is rear to find houses on this area. The nature is amazing!

Here’s our destination. Balinsasayao Twin Lakes Natural Park is a natural park in the Philippines surrounding Lake Balinsasayao and Lake Danao in the province of Negros Oriental 14.5 kilometres west of Dumaguete.

Let’s take a look!

We arrived there around 3 in the afternoon. There was only two groups visited, and that includes our group. So, here’s a quick shot we took in the registration area. It costs 20 pesos for students, and 40 pesos for student who is not from Negros Oriental.

The service were good, and the staff were accommodating.

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This small lake is just around the corner of where the registration area is located. There are cottages, and I think they also accept reservations.

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This is so nice! The view. And if you could notice, it is still fogging on the top of the mountain. The place is surrounded with tall trees that makes the temperature super cold but still we managed. What I love the most here is the undisturbed stillness of the water, the reflection of the trees. This is the perfect view for unwinding.

Going into the woods adventure heading to the Twin Lake and you have to take 500 steps basically going down. Be careful to take your steps ahead since it’s slippery.

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The Lake Balinsasayao view when you arrive. This is the first lake of the “Twin Lake”

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They also offer rented boats where you can go travel and see the rest of the lake somewhere secluded. It costs 250 pesos not depending on the number of person. By the way, you have to take the boat so you will be able to see the other “twin” of this lake. Then we actually took a ride with the tour guide. Why it is called “Balinsasayao?”, according to her, who is the tour guide, it was named so because of the ‘sayaw’ birds that flock in the area of the lake. ‘Sayaw’ means dance in Cebuano. ‘Sayaw’ and later on changed to ‘Sayao’ is a local name of a bird due to its graceful and fluid movement. Another information is that this lake provides clean water to three municipalities of the province namely Amlan, Sibulan, and San Jose. This is the very reason they do not allow swimmers.

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This photo was captured when we were in the midst of the Lake heading to the other side.

Whoa! This is the scenery at the top of the lake. As you can see the lake is being surrounded with tress and hills.

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The second of the “Twin Lake”. Fish Spa is also available here for free!

There is nothing interesting than going to places you have never been into. In places where you find your peace with the healing power of nature. And of course, travel with your friends who are always ‘on the go’ for adventure far from the city life.

 So you have already seen my travel within this province and there are still other places I want to go. Be updated for more travel soon! 🙂

For more photos, see this link: https://www.instagram.com/aiirishx/

I am a survivor

It has been ages since I have not into blogging on a specific site, since I only use Tumblr since two years ago. This is my third blog by the way. The other wasted two were already been forgotten. And on this blog, I will really convince myself to be productive and take this one seriously. Well, I can ink the paper and use my words, but having a blog is a different story. 

Things have been so fun lately. Some were very chaotic, that were enough to burn me inside. I have so much things on my mind so lemme talk about the past year and on this present year. Through the years, I learned that time changes people. It seriously changes anything. Of course we won’t be alive without change, and sometimes I hate changes though, to the point that I question everything, “why do we have to change?”. Is it for the better? Well maybe.

I met several people for the past years when I started college. They are amazing, kind, generous, elite, happy. I am thankful for having these people in my life. Luckily I got into the publication, and there I started to explore things I have not done before at home. I am an islander, by the way. With strict parents, I seldom go out of the house and little by little I learned about the way my parents desciplined me.

College is so stressful. You have to do everything for you to live. You have to wash your clothes yourself, cook meals,  and no one is going to be there for you when you are sick, unless you have lots of real friends. (college is on the other side of the island). That was me. That was what my college life all about. But, as I went into my journey, things changed. My whole life changed when I extended myself into people I have met in the publication. They changed me. Situations changed me, and I am thankful.

My parents were always there for me. Until one day, I woke up from the reality that this world is cruel and I felt too alone. Some days were too blurry, dark. Other days were like the sea, or the clouds. They were calm. But why was I too sad those days? Because I was feeling down, like the heaven and earth would move towards each other. I failed my engineering class. I had the feeling that my parents suddenly broke up with me as being a parent. I treated myself as a failure. My parents had a high expectation to me. I was judged. Maybe I was too fragile and vulnerable, and desperate. That I have forgotten the things that matter for me, and for my family. Maybe I was not thinking enough. Maybe I was so soft that I did not stop myself from doing what should not be done. A lot of ‘maybes’. Circumstances that led me to attempt suicide. I was too attached to the thoughts that sadness was all I had, darkness was there to hug me, and death was all I need. I am thinking right now about all those things that happened to me in the past couple of months, and I could not find an answer how did I make it. Now I realize that I am strong and bold. After those days, I gradually picked myself up. I forced myself to get a job, and I was accepted into a company. I put myself into things that would make me busy, and that I won’t imprison myself into the four-walled room each day and night. My friends were able to help me, and I am forever be thankful for them for talking to me when I needed to.

I trully believe that you, yourself is the only one who can fix you. Nobody would offer you a hand if you won’t ask. Nobody does better help than you yourself can offer to your own self. Each day, I am living into the thought that everything is fine, and I will ge the degree, finish this college and will make my own self better for me.

Happiness indeed is a choice you make. We all deserve to be happy, and by starting to be happy, practice yourself to be positive.

All the luck!

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