I am a survivor

It has been ages since I have not into blogging on a specific site, since I only use Tumblr since two years ago. This is my third blog by the way. The other wasted two were already been forgotten. And on this blog, I will really convince myself to be productive and take this one seriously. Well, I can ink the paper and use my words, but having a blog is a different story. 

Things have been so fun lately. Some were very chaotic, that were enough to burn me inside. I have so much things on my mind so lemme talk about the past year and on this present year. Through the years, I learned that time changes people. It seriously changes anything. Of course we won’t be alive without change, and sometimes I hate changes though, to the point that I question everything, “why do we have to change?”. Is it for the better? Well maybe.

I met several people for the past years when I started college. They are amazing, kind, generous, elite, happy. I am thankful for having these people in my life. Luckily I got into the publication, and there I started to explore things I have not done before at home. I am an islander, by the way. With strict parents, I seldom go out of the house and little by little I learned about the way my parents desciplined me.

College is so stressful. You have to do everything for you to live. You have to wash your clothes yourself, cook meals,  and no one is going to be there for you when you are sick, unless you have lots of real friends. (college is on the other side of the island). That was me. That was what my college life all about. But, as I went into my journey, things changed. My whole life changed when I extended myself into people I have met in the publication. They changed me. Situations changed me, and I am thankful.

My parents were always there for me. Until one day, I woke up from the reality that this world is cruel and I felt too alone. Some days were too blurry, dark. Other days were like the sea, or the clouds. They were calm. But why was I too sad those days? Because I was feeling down, like the heaven and earth would move towards each other. I failed my engineering class. I had the feeling that my parents suddenly broke up with me as being a parent. I treated myself as a failure. My parents had a high expectation to me. I was judged. Maybe I was too fragile and vulnerable, and desperate. That I have forgotten the things that matter for me, and for my family. Maybe I was not thinking enough. Maybe I was so soft that I did not stop myself from doing what should not be done. A lot of ‘maybes’. Circumstances that led me to attempt suicide. I was too attached to the thoughts that sadness was all I had, darkness was there to hug me, and death was all I need. I am thinking right now about all those things that happened to me in the past couple of months, and I could not find an answer how did I make it. Now I realize that I am strong and bold. After those days, I gradually picked myself up. I forced myself to get a job, and I was accepted into a company. I put myself into things that would make me busy, and that I won’t imprison myself into the four-walled room each day and night. My friends were able to help me, and I am forever be thankful for them for talking to me when I needed to.

I trully believe that you, yourself is the only one who can fix you. Nobody would offer you a hand if you won’t ask. Nobody does better help than you yourself can offer to your own self. Each day, I am living into the thought that everything is fine, and I will ge the degree, finish this college and will make my own self better for me.

Happiness indeed is a choice you make. We all deserve to be happy, and by starting to be happy, practice yourself to be positive.

All the luck!

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