Two months had passed, and it is still painful.
I could not move from my chair after knowing that I failed one of my subjects. I felt like I was half-paralyzed. Feeling so numb, I could barely move my legs, and my heart was beating fast. I wanted to keep myself calm, so I left school and went right away to my boarding house. I cried, opened my laptop and told someone what happened, but the disappointment never went away from me. Out of anger, I smashed my laptop and yelled whatever things I wanted to yell. My roommate was bothered, and told me it’s going to be okay. I put myself to sleep after crying.
I became hopeless in everything I do. I treated myself as a disappointment to my family and a failure, and I kept on asking why. “Why did it happen?” I sighed.
The failing mark was not the only thing that tore me apart. I knew exactly my parents won’t send me to school and yes, I was right. Judgements from my parents hurt me the most. They did not believe me anymore that I could be someone great one day. My mother did not speak to me ever since I went home during the semestral break.Also, a relationship with someone — who I thought is worthy of me, had gone. Someone still chose to leave me in the saddest days of my life. I became so much anxious, depressed, and pessimistic in everything.
I attempted suicide. I took 20 acetaminophen capsules but failed to kill myself. I was ready to die, thinking that it was much better to die than to live in vain.
Crying every night inside my room heals my heavy chest. Talking to my friends through the internet gradually puts my self-esteem back. Writing daily diary sends me to another realm where I only know.
Presently, anxiety still hits me so much to the extent of putting myself in a room where I am alone crying, blaming, and hating myself for the failure I become. I cannot see the light shining anymore; rather, I see darkness. Maybe, I am over-reacting but this is what I feel.